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5 Parental Tips for Dealing with College Separation Anxiety.
Winter scene outside my daughter's dorm.
So you’ve just dropped off your child at college for the first time and are feeling the pain. That final hug was a lot more difficult than you had originally expected. Your first-born is now among people you do not know, in a completely foreign environment, and you feel the anxiety and feel helpless as a parent. My eldest daughter left for college for the first time last August. The trauma of her exodus was detailed in this post. Ironically, today we just returned from bringing her back to college after her 5-week holiday break at home. Let’s just say that it was a whole lot easier dropping her off this time. For those of you who have already gone through this college separation anxiety, congratulations on dealing with it and moving onto another phase of your lives. After having gone through this heart-wrenching experience, I think I can help out my fellow brethren deal with being separated from their child for possibly the first time. There are certainly ways to deal with anxiety to make this transition easier, for both you, and your child.
1. Communicate, but give them space.
As a parent, it is important to reach a happy medium with your child, in terms of communication, after they are at their college home. Understanding that your child needs space from you is something that every parent must realize. Your child has been looking forward to this time of independence, so you must honor that independence and limit the correspondence. Let your child dictate how much they want to call, email, or skype with you. Of utmost importance is to let your child know that you will always be there for them, just as you have been for the previous 18 years of their life.
2. Visit the College Store.
OK, I know that you are paying big tuition bills already, so shelling out any other dough to the school can be tough. But, I am telling you that if you go to the college store and buy a sweatshirt, or a mug for your morning coffee, it will help. How, you might say? It helps you feel closer to your child. Each morning when you drink that cup of coffee, with the mug from the college, you will think of your child and will feel a closeness to them. Every time I wear the shirts I bought at my daughter’s college store or wear the hat that she gave me for Christmas, I feel closer to her. You might say, doesn’t that make it more difficult and remind you more of the distance between you? Not for me. It does just the opposite. You are showing pride in their college and this will reflect not only on you, but also on your child. If your child knows that you are proud of their college choice, it will help them deal with their own separation anxiety. Don’t underestimate the simple act of making some purchases at the college store. Surprisingly, it really helps soothe those pangs of separation anxiety.
3. Attend Parents Weekend.
We attended Parents Weekend at the end of October. It is a very popular time for the college and it allows the parents to attend a class, if desired. But, more importantly, it’s a time to see your child, possibly for the first time since that emotional departure. And you also get a chance to get to know their roommates. At the same time, you have a chance to meet with other parents and talk about what it’s like living away from your children. You will quickly learn that almost all parents share this feeling of separation and it is a common thread in conversation.
4. Subscribe to the College Newspaper.
This may sound simple but one of the hardest things for us, as parents, was the not-knowing. Not being able to know every step our child was taking, or what was happening with her in the college environment. Subscribing to the college newspaper has allowed us to feel more a part of our daughter’s life by allowing us to read what is going on, at a certain point in time, at the college. The articles are written by the students so it allows us to hear what their feelings are and what issues they are faced with at the college. It also helps us when we speak with our daughter because we can talk about the issues that are prevalent at the college. This small step will help take away some of the feelings of separation and will allow you to feel closer to your child.
5. Visit, if needed, and if possible.
This may be difficult for some parents, especially if your child is across the country, or potentially in another country. About a month into her first college semester, my daughter came down with symptoms that were eerily similar to the H1N1 virus. There were already students at her school that were being quarantined, or separated from the other students, due to the virus. My daughter was extremely worried that she was coming down with the virus but, more importantly to her, she was concerned that it would affect her schoolwork. She was worried about falling behind in her classwork and she had just started her college career. After speaking with her on the phone, my wife drove up there and brought her to the infirmary for tests.
As it turned out, she didn’t have the virus, and was over the symptoms in a few days. My daughter’s college is about two hours away from our house, in a neighboring state. So being able to drive to visit her, at the drop of a hat, is convenient. Having my wife there, if only for a few hours, was tremendous for both of them. It helped my daughter deal with this short-term illness, and it helped us a lot because one of us was able to be there for her. I can’t stress enough how happy we are that we are only a couple of hours away from my daughter. My daughter was accepted at colleges halfway across the country but, luckily, she was accepted into her first-choice college, which is within driving distance from our house. If we couldn’t be with her at that time, the separation anxiety would’ve been extremely tough to deal with.
If you are contemplating dropping your child off at college someday, try to learn from others who have already had to deal with this life transition. There are actionable steps that you can take to minimize the anxiety of being away from your angel. If you take part in the college experience, albeit remotely, and show your child that you have
pride in their college, it will certainly help you deal with the separation anxiety. Communicate, but know that this is their time of independence from you. Let them dictate how much they want to keep in touch. Most importantly, when they do come home on breaks, and in the summer, welcome them home with open arms. It takes a little time, but those feelings of college separation anxiety will decrease. Implement these various ways to deal with anxiety and, believe me, it will help a lot. It’s really tough at first but, in time, you will be able to emotionally deal with this new phase of your life.
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34 Responses to “5 Parental Tips for Dealing with College Separation Anxiety.”
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This is a beautifully written piece, Bob, that talks from the heart. I remember reading your first post on the subject and thinking the same. I can feel how much your daughter means to you and how painful it is to be apart from her. So, it’s awesome then that at the same time you’ve chosen to be so constructive about your experience and that you’re putting it out there and sharing it with others.
I salute you, sir!
.-= Christine Livingston´s last blog ..3 lessons on work and life from walking 10 miles in the snow =-.
Thanks Christine,
Yes, you are correct. She means a lot to me, as does my youngest. I just hope this post helps parent who have to go through this in the future. It does get a lot easier with time and with these tips…
Best,
Bob
What a lovely post, Bob! I appreciate the tenderness you’re showing in this very helpful piece. Number 2 and 4 are tips that could only come from a loving parent who’s already been through it.
I love that you point out that the first time we let them go is the hardest. I imagine them doing a lot of growing up and spreading their independence wings while they’re gone and I bet they’re so much smarter and more grown up the second time they leave home.
This prepares me for the next 15 years
Thanks!
Hi Belinda,
The time will fly by. The best part about my daughter being at college is the fact that she absolutely loves it there. The whole floor of her dorm are like family. When we brought her back at least 5 or 6 kids came by within about 2 minutes, hugged her, and welcomed her back. And, on top if it, the college is rated one of the best in the country and she is doing tremendously with her grades (which is not surprising). Thanks for reading Belinda.
Best,
Bob
Beautiful post Bob, that will be so useful for parents facing this situation. I remember the day I went to uni (I am the oldest and was the first of my siblings) … so many tears!
Yes, there were tears Jen. When I gave my daughter that last hug I lost it. I was thinking I’d hold up right before that embrace. She is very happy at her college home so it’s easier for us. We just left her off the other day and won’t see her for 7 weeks now until her next break. But it has gotten a whole lot easier even though we still miss her a lot.
Best,
Bob
hi bob,
loved this post.
it brought fond memories.
also, while reading i was thinking of how I felt when my 3 yr old son started school in september and i can relate to this article although not in its entirety because a) my son is still young b) he comes home everyday.
I loved the points raised and would look into practicing numbers 3(pta meetings) and 4.
I have a long way to go and i still have a lot to learn.
Thanks for sharing this.
p.s. bob you mentioned you are studying for your 3rd degree???? what are the degrees if you dont mind me asking
take care then!!!
.-= ayo´s last blog ..What Can You Do To Improve Your Relationships? =-.
Hi Ayo,
Thanks for reading my post. I think it will help out any parent who has to go through this ordeal. Yes, it is an ordeal, but it is a lot easier if you know that your child is happy. I have a BS in Geology and a Masters in Geophysics. In a former life I was a research scientist working for the U.S. Air Force. This degree is a Bachelors in Information Technology and I just started my last class yesterday. I never got the degree but have been working in IT for the past 20 years. Thanks for asking…
Best,
Bob
I enjoyed this post. It’s interesting for me to see the other side of leaving for college. It was remarkably easy for me to leave due to my summer experience away from home, but it was certainly an adjustment. Of course, I still miss you and the rest of our family. I think that’s a good thing.
I love you!
Lianna
Hi Honey,
By the way, thanks for taking that awesome picture that I display in this post. It really brings me right to the college. What’s great for us is that it was remarkably easy for you to head off to college. I think the fact that you are in such a great situation there helps us a lot too. You’re getting a top notch education and you are surrounded by other smart, happy kids. And the food actually is somewhat comparable to what your mother makes.
Love you too!
Dada
Very thoughtful post, Bob. Coming at this from the other side of the equation, I would emphasize that it’s important to let your child dictate the amount/frequency of the contact.
.-= Laura Lee Bloor´s last blog ..Tenacious Me Receives Positive Press From AAA Fair Credit Foundation =-.
Hi Laura Lee,
As I stated in the post that is the #1 communication tip I could give to parents. I know it’s difficult, because you are missing them, but it is necessary.
Best,
Bob
Hi Bob,
I love reading your post! It reminded me of my hug with my mom and dad the day they left me at the university where i studied. It felt like a sharp knife went through me. My dad died 3 years ago and reading your post somehow reminded me of him…Thank you for that
.-= El Sheila´s last blog ..Spending time alone with my partner =-.
Hi El Sheila,
I’m glad you enjoyed the post. We have had to deal with that anxiety this year and I hope that some parents got something out of dealing with the separation. You may also enjoy this post about my daughter leaving for college for the first time. Thanks for reading and commenting..
Best,
Bob
Hi Bob,
Thank you so much for posting this. My only son will be heading to college this fall. Thankfully his school is only 147 miles door to door. I often found myself in tears just thinking about not having my “baby” at home every day in a few months’ time. It’s difficult, but I’ll try to follow some of your suggestions on how to cope with my ASAD.
Hi Megan Lyn,
Good luck with that. You may also want to read the article on my sidebar entitled ‘She left home, bye bye”. It’s about that same experience. Good luck!
Best,
Bob
I am going through this just now. I am an emotional wreck, can’t eat, can’t sleep…can’t imagine day to day life without my beautiful daughter. It’s supposed to be one of the most natural things in the world- so why can’t I deal with it?
Hi Jennifer,
We just dropped my daughter off at college for her sophomore year. It gets much easier the second time around and luckily we are within 2 hours from her college. Has your daughter just left for college or is she a senior in high school and you are worrying about the impending exodus? Believe me, if you take heed in some of the steps that I outline in my post, it will help. It isn’t a solution but it will help for sure. I’d be interested in more details about your situation.
Best,
Bob Bessette
Hi again,
She’s just about to leave for University (on the 18th Sept *gulp*). We have spoken about how I *should* behave but I cannot get past the fact that she is leaving. We did a lot of stuff together, I suppose I should’ve prepared myself better for this event, but it always seemed years away. It seems to have arrived too quickly, I just wasn’t prepared for the strength of my feelings.
Jennifer,
It is very hard. Believe me, I understand. When I hugged her goodbye that first time in her new dorm room, I cried like a baby. I thought I would be able to handle it. I really did but I couldn’t. Make it a point to keep in touch with her but give her some distance. It is also hard for her. Let her dictate how much she wants to communicate and just be there for her when she needs you. Subscribe to the school newspaper as I suggested in the article and to any blogs that are at the school. It will certainly help you. Please read this post as it was written by my daughter and it relates to this same topic. In fact she is now starting to write for a blog at school and we are hoping that she enjoys it.
One thing I can promise. It gets easier in time and she will come home. It appears that you are both very close to each other which will ensure that she will come home. Please let me know how that first day goes for you either here or use my Contact Me page. I’ll be glad to help you through this as an experienced parent. I’m sure my wife will also chime in if you are looking for a woman’s perspective.
Best,
Bob
Jennifer – you are not alone! I just dropped my oldest off at Northeastern in Boston (45 minutes from home). Even though he is close it is still so hard! I am confident that he will do well both socially and academically, so that does help. I do have another son at home (jr. in high school) and am dreading the day that he leaves! After spending the past 18+ years focusing on my children, it is scary to think about what the future holds for me. Raising my 2 wonderful sons has been the happiest period of my life.
Hi Kate,
Thanks for your contribution. We are in a similar situation with a sophomore in college and a sophomore in high school. I will contact Jennifer to make sure she reads your post (in case she didn’t subscribe to follow-up comments). I’m sure that you have raised two well-rounded, responsible sons. My wife also has focused on raising our children, as I work at a full-time job every day, and with the advent of college, many changes come into play. I’m sure you will do well in your next “life”. You may want to read my post about being an empty nester. Please keep me posted as he goes through his freshman year. By the way, I got my Bachelor’s degree at Northeastern in Boston. I know a lot of changes have taken place there in the past 30 years but I’m proud to be an alum.
Best,
Bob
Hi,
So here I am again….so sad to be sending my son back to Northeastern after the holiday break!!! He is already talking about not coming home this summer; he and some friends want to work on Cape Cod for the summer. I am happy for him because I’m sure it will be fun & exciting for him, but sad for me!
Bob – Northeastern is a great school! My son absolutely loves it.
Hi Kate,
My daughter is home for another 3 weeks (she has a long break). In fact, one of my daughter’s friends is a sophomore at Northeastern and she is getting together with him this week. It sounds like they go back next week. That is probably due to the quarter system, if they still have quarters at NU. My daughter is also probably not going to be home this summer and she is probably heading to Ireland for the Fall semester abroad next year. So we aren’t sure how much we are going to see her over the next year. Such is life I guess.
I’m glad that he really likes Northeastern. It has changed so much from what I hear from when I went there in the Dark Ages. Kate, please keep in touch. Us parents have to stick together to deal with these life issues.
I hope Jennifer checks in again as well. I am wondering how she is doing.
Best,
Bob
Hi Kate- Seems like so many of us are feeling this way. I hope it’s not too hard for you with your son away. My daughter will be going to London (we’re in the UK) on the 18th, not long now. Raising children is such a wonderful job, but having to say goodbye is heartbreaking.
Hi Bob!
While i was feeling down about my daughter leaving for college next year. I decided to Google Child Separation Anxiety and saw your blog. Well I couldn’t see the screen for a bit because I got so emotional. There are parents that feel this way. As I read on and felt the love for your daughter, I realized that that was exactly how I feel. I am so close to my daughter (17) I don’t know where the years went, I still see her as my little girl. my little girl. I worry about how she will handle the hard times. Thank you for your blog…I feel normal now.
Hi Debbie,
You know, this is the true beauty of having a blog. I am able to share my feelings with a complete stranger and you are able to relate to what I wrote. Believe it or not, that daughter is home now for two weeks for break. This is her second week home and she is now a sophomore and she is hurting a bit this time from a relationship breakup. It’s great to have her home but she is not herself but I think being home with us is the best thing for her. We still love her as much or more than ever and I still dread when she leaves and goes back to college. I cry every time she leaves. I could never understand those commercials where the parents rejoice when the child leaves and they target that child’s room for a hot tub. I’m never happy when my kid’s leave. I am exactly like my father was, God rest his soul.
Believe me, you are soooo normal Debbie. All the parents I talk to are sad to see them go. It’s a rite of passage but it is great growth experience for the kids. But having them away from the bubble that is home is tough for us parents. But they will grow immeasurably during this time.
If you are ever feeling sad and need someone to communicate with just drop me a note at my Contact Me page. I’m still going through college separation anxiety.
Best,
Bob
Hi Bob;
Thank you for all the tips. I hope they work. My wife and daughter went to the college for an orientation weekend a couple of months back. Sunday morning and all day Monday and I’ll tell you straight up, I did not do too well.
We have a young lady that we took in to live with us that was in an abusive relationship at her house. She has been with us for a year but she is also leaving the same day as our daughter. Its gonna be tough
Hi Bob,
It is difficult especially at first. My daughter has been in college now for two years and tomorrow she leaves for 4 months abroad in Ireland. Now we won’t even be able to visit her on a whim (she was two hours away). Good luck with your daughter leaving for college. I’m sure you and your wife will get through it well. I have another post which you may be interested in as well. I think if you use the tips detailed in the post on dealing with college separation anxiety you might find that they help a lot. Good luck!
Best,
Bob
Thanks Bob and everyone who posted. This morning I dropped my oldest off for her freshman year at college, and cried of and on throughout the 8 hour drive home. I thought I was crazy until I got home, googled, found this page and many others, and realized I’m not the only parent that has felt this. I had no idea it would be so hard! One thing I’ve learned from reading the last few hours is to really up the time I spend with her two younger sisters still at home. Another is to use the Internet & texting to stay in touch with her. I missed the chance to visit the college store – I wish I’d thought of that. I’ll ask her to send me a school coffee mug. Lastly, her birthday is coming up – I forgot to ask her what she wants – the perfect excuse to call her in a day or two (her Mom called her tonight, and I think calling EVERY day would be a bit much – much as I want to right now). Thanks again – I don’t feel quite so crazy now. Still very sad, but normal sad.
Hi John,
I guess an 8 hour drive is not too far away. My eldest is now in Ireland which is my latest post. So I can’t just get in a car and go see her even if I wanted to. Yes, all of those tips really helped us. Subscribing to the school newspaper is great because we regularly get to see pictures of the college and issues that are facing the students. It really does help to stay in touch.
You are certainly not alone. And I’m sure your daughter is also having a hard time as well. Thanks for reading…
Best,
Bob
Well, it will be a week tomorrow. I’ve had a great phone chat with her, swapped emails and Facebook postings, and I’m getting used to my new, more remote role in her life. It helps that she’s having a great time and loves her roommates. If she’s having a hard time being away she’s not showing it; but then I’m not really showing her my true feeling either. I don’t want her to feel guilty when she’s done nothing wrong (and everything right).
I’m also realizing that parenting is not over. On our call she had questions about college, setting schedules, and she needed a few more things mailed that she forgot to pack. She’s still my little girl. I can recall asking my Dad for advice right up until he died. I’d come to respect his judgment and experience, and knew he would always have my best interests at heart. I can see the same relationship forming here – and it’s a good one to have; As good as the “end game” of parenting gets.
Thanks again Bob, and everyone who posted.
-JB-
Hey John,
Great to hear from you. I am going through the exact same thing you are going through but my daughter is in Ireland for her junior year Fall semester abroad. It’s almost like we are doing it all over again because she is so far away. My wife has been skyping with her fairly regularly and she has been a bit homesick. She’s been there for just over a week so it’s a new thing for her not to have friends and family close by.
What I have found is that my eldest, in particular, has become closer to me over the years. Both of my daughters were what I considered Mama’s girls but I’ve noticed a change in recent years. I can relate to getting advice from my Dad. He passed about a year and a half ago and think of him every day. It sounds like you are doing all of the right things. Check out the post my daughter wrote a while back and this one might interest you which has some quotes from other parents going through what you are going through.
Keep us updated John.
Best,
Bob